Take a look at that quote and let me ask you – how do you love yourself? Are you kind, do you seek out the positive, do you take good care of your body and your mind, how much do you prioritise your needs over the needs of others, do you believe in your own worth and the value you bring to others, do you protect yourself from harm?

There’s no need to put on rose coloured glasses when your view yourself, for a healthy degree of realism is a good thing, but how about you try to view yourself as you view those you love? We’re all imperfect beings after all, but that fact needn’t make us unlovable. How about you start by valuing yourself, by focusing on the good bits rather than the disappointing bits? How about you start to treat yourself as you’d like to be treated by others?

If I was your fairy godmother, I’d wave my wand and magic up whatever your heart desires. But we’re all grown-ups here, so we know there’s no such thing as a fairy godmother and a magic wand. In a world where the core of what we can control is small, let me remind you of how big and important some of those things within your control are:

• knowing who you are and what you want
• having clear hopes and plans for the future
• prioritising your values
• facing any vulnerabilities or areas of self-doubt, and doing what you can to heal them
• learning how to erect and maintain healthy boundaries
• developing a great sense of self-worth
• maintaining confidence in the value you’ll bring to any relationship you choose to be in

People normally approach dating with a shopping list – of age, looks, location and the like. And while these things do have a part to play, what about the big stuff? Do you want the same things? Do you share the same values? Sexual chemistry and shared interests are great when you want to have fun, but are they enough to last past the first flush, are they enough to build a future on? When you’re putting together your must-have or non-negotiables list, do you include some of the big stuff? If not, maybe that’s telling you something?

In coaching we have a saying that if you change nothing, then nothing changes. We’re in good company….

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Einstein

If you’re not OK being on your own rather than in any relationship – however wrong for you – then you’re best served by focussing on yourself first. For if you don’t, you leave yourself open to wasting your time with the wrong person – over and over again. Take the time to get to know and love yourself. As women, we are trained not to put ourselves first, but this is one time when we really and truly should.

What’s on your non-negotiable and/or must-have list? Does your relationship criteria include things like their future plans, and whether they match your key values?

© 2022, Debs Carey