I opened up this series of posts by suggesting the importance of knowing yourself (here), for only by doing this – and doing this honestly – are you able to apply a degree of laser focus to your dating.
Let me give you an example. I knew I wanted a serious relationship, one that would last until one or other of us died. Yet my self-esteem was in such a mess that I sought out encounters in order to boost my fragile ego. That worked, until it didn’t – because those encounters weren’t leading to what I truly sought. The relationships I did form were all with people who needed me for my caring qualities – and when the need was no longer there, neither were they. When I took a step back and decided to apply a laser focus to my dating, I met my current partner who didn’t (and still doesn’t) need me – but he does want me, and to be with me as we get older and greyer together. The moral of the story being: don’t get distracted along the way by what you don’t want.
But how about the opposite scenario – what about if you don’t really want a serious relationship? You know you’d like someone to do stuff with, to go on holiday with, to be your plus one at events, and yet… Have you noticed that you get bored after a while, generally after the early flush is over? If you were honest with yourself, maybe what you really want is attention? Because if it is – there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that – at all. Being on the receiving end of lots of attention – when it’s welcome – is really rather lovely 🙂
So what can you do with this knowledge? You could be honest up front with the people you meet. In the past, I’ve met people via a sex site, and they were among the most honest I’ve met in my dating years. There was no pretence at all. One man was looking for a serious relationship but had chosen this avenue because he was worn out with burgeoning relationships which were lively in the bedroom for the first few months, only for the shop to shut up tight thereafter. He wanted a relationship with someone for whom sex was an integral part, and this was the only way he could think of making sure. Now, I’m not saying “get thee to a sex site”, but that the same level of honesty between both parties can save a lot of grief all round. There are many ways to couple-up – and it’s absolutely OK for you to set the agenda for the shape yours would take.
Don’t hold back from what you truly want based on what you believe other people might think of you. That’s their problem, not yours. Be true to yourself. So long as you’re not hurting other people, you get to do you. Let people know what you want – you might just find someone who wants the same.
Does the single life – or some aspects of it – have appeal? What do you about relationships where independence and separateness can be easily maintained?
© 2022, Debs Carey
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