I: Independence: how much do you want to keep?

I mentioned in an earlier post that nearly half of first marriages end in divorce. Another statistic is that women instigate 2 out of 3 of those divorces. Despite the practical and financial load which those women go on to bear post divorce, the statistics state that they thrive.

So, when you’ve worked hard to achieve independence, why would you be in a hurry to lose it?

If this was a coaching session, I’d stop talking now…. and wait for your answer – because identifying your why is what matters. But it isn’t, so I’d better continue.

There are many reasons why you might risk the loss of your hard-earned independence. Let’s take a look at a few of them:

  • desire to love and be loved
  • need for adult conversation & companionship
  • need for safe & regular sex
  • tired of doing it all, all the time
  • fear of life in any empty nest
  • fear of loneliness

Enough songs have been written about love for there to be no need for me to expand. That doesn’t make the remaining reasons any less powerful, especially as they’re also expressions of vulnerable emotions – of need and fear.

A colleague once called a mutual friend an eternal optimist as she approached her third marriage, for she believed in both love and marriage, so was prepared to risk both her heart and her independence to achieve a successful union. I admired her for it.

But what if you’re not prepared to risk it? The option of living-apart-together (or LAT) is growing in popularity. Maintaining your separate lives and homes, but spending time together as and when you wish, or as suits your both – might that be an option for you? Knowing my eternal optimist friend – this lack of wholeheartedness wouldn’t suit her – but it might you. I know people who’ve had an LAT arrangement for over 10 years, and are extremely content with the choice they made.

I encourage you to think about all aspects of what you want your future life to be like. As I said in my first post of this series, it’s All About You.

What do think about the concept of Living-Apart-Together? Could you imagine the circumstances under which you might choose to LAT?

© 2022, Debs Carey

7 responses to “I: Independence: how much do you want to keep?”

  1. Ronel Janse van Vuuren Avatar
    Ronel Janse van Vuuren

    What’s the point if you don’t want to wake up with that person every day? Independence is awesome and some of it should be kept, but there’s always a place for compromise.

    Ronel visiting for the A-Z Challenge My Languishing TBR: I

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s my personal take too Ronel, but I know some people have found the LAT scenario works for them. I guess it could prove an option when adult children get funny about their parents sharing what was previously the marital home with someone new. It wouldn’t be my answer to that type of situation, but horses for courses ‘n all that.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I hadn’t heard the term LAT before, but I immediately thought of a couple who live that way and seem happy. What works for them may not work for everybody, but it definitely seems to work for them.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I didn’t know about the LAT term until now. It’s nice if it works for some, all that matters is happiness.

    See you around the A-Z challenge!
    Hope you stop by my blog https://momandideas.com/

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I couldn’t agree more Mom & Ideas. Thanks for the visit & I’ll be over to see you shortly 🙂


  4. James, I was surprised when I first came across the idea, but there really is no one right for everyone way, so it’s an option that I wanted to put out there.


  5. […] best friend?G: Good looks: how much do they matter?H: Happiness: what does that look like for you?I: Independence: how much do you want to keep?J: Just Divorced: snap ’em up, or avoid?K: Kink: If it’s you thing, should you share […]


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