There’s no point talking about dating and relationships and avoiding the between the sheets stuff. Kink is out there – it comes in all kinds of forms and generally takes place between consenting adults. Some people are curious and use dating as an opportunity to dip a toe in, while others are ashamed of their preferences and try to hide them away.

I try not to lay down hard & fast rules, not just because there’s always those who’ll spend time figuring out how to break them, but because I genuinely believe in horses for courses. One thing I struggle to understand is – if kink is your thing, why wouldn’t you want to be in a relationship with someone who shared it?

I knew a man who had a kink. He was a nice bloke, respectful and utterly trustworthy, but he was ashamed of his kink and hid it away from his romantic partners. He was divorced and had regular partners with whom to enjoy his kink, but he only dated girls who were straight and entirely vanilla. As far as he was concerned, never the twain would meet. If you were his girlfriend, I’m pretty confident your radar would tell you there was something “off”, even if you’d not be able to put your hand on it. Because the truth is, he was cheating on you, and that’s why your radar was pinging. So, he’d end up with yet another relationship ending, and go on to form a new relationship with someone who was exactly the same. But he’d never take a risk and see how they felt about trying his kink. I’m not sure he could, for he picked them to be precisely the sort of girl who simply wouldn’t. If any of them were interested, he’d probably go off them straight away. The problem is he had – and probably still has – a very conflicted and confused attitude to sex.

I have always believed in openness – especially in the bedroom. There is nowhere where trust is more important, and how can you have trust without honesty. So talk about it. Use whatever euphemism you need to, but have the conversation.

Unless your partner would be happy with you indulging your kink with someone else – or vice versa – if you have one, why not look for someone who shares it, or someone who’d at least be interested in giving it a try? If someone you think could be the one suggests you try something, stop and give it serious thought. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, but you never know – you might enjoy it too.

Sex matters – to some people more than others. Matching your feelings on this subject is as important as any other in navigating yourself to the right relationship, rather than the wrong one.

Is sex something you talk about? Or do you think it’s something nice girls shouldn’t speak of?

© 2022, Debs Carey