P: Past Patterns: are they working for you?

I touched on stuff we learn from our parents in yesterday’s post, but I’m afraid there’s still a bit more to come on patterns from the past, because they can also be formed in adulthood.

Do you find the relationships you’ve had fall into a pattern? Not that you have a physical type, but that you either pursue the same type of person, or end up in similar (unwanted) scenarios. Let me give you some examples of what I mean.

You form relationships with doer-ups – men who need fixing. Maybe they’ve a tendency to make poor lifestyle choices, perhaps they’ve emotional stuff which need addressing – whatever it is, they’ll benefit from your skills and past experience. Where has this past experience come from? Is it solely from previous relationships, or does it date back further? Identifying when and why you first took on the fixer role will help with the healing process – important if you want to stop repeating this pattern. The fixer pattern is unhelpful because when the fixing is done – either you chuck ’em out or they go. And if they resolutely won’t get fixed, you risk being stuck there forever – or you get fed up and go. Once you accept that any fixing relationship is unsustainable and learn how to keep yourself out of them, you won’t waste your valuable time this way again.

You get a knock back from the type of man who is your ideal – possibly because they not ready to get into anything serious or lasting – so you revert back to safety. You take up with someone who’s – if we’re being frank – just not good enough for you. They’re lucky to have you and they know it. They adore you – and they let you and everyone else know it. But you’re going to get bored or dissatisfied with them sooner rather than later, because they’re not the right type of man for you. Again, you’re wasting your valuable time. Learn to vet the type of man who is your ideal, to establish if they are ready. If so, jump right in. If not, walk away. Then you won’t feel the need to keep going back to someone safe who’ll adore you, but will soon bore you.

There are plentiful roles being played. Mother to a lost boy, carer for someone who’s hurting, coach to a man who’s lost confidence, sexpot to a man who’s hit his midlife crisis, rescuer for a man who’s lost etc. The roots to our ability to take on those roles originate somewhere in our past. Some of these traits are part of what make you uniquely who you are, where they become a problem is if they cause you to form unhealthy and damaging relationships. Sorting out what doesn’t work (for you) will allow you to focus on what does.

Try to regard your past as just a story, and remember that you can decide to change your present and your future.

Have you ever noticed any patterns? Have you stopped to consider whether you might be repeating yourself – and why?

© 2022, Debs Carey

7 responses to “P: Past Patterns: are they working for you?”

  1. Ronel Janse van Vuuren Avatar
    Ronel Janse van Vuuren

    Oh, I have patterns. And they’re hard to break. But I am working on getting rid of the bad ones — and that starts by working on myself.

    Ronel visiting for the A-Z Challenge My Languishing TBR: P

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yup, it’s always all about you. And it takes time & work. Realising that they’re there and deciding to make a change is a bit part of the battle.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Looking at patterns has always been eye-opening. Even family patterns give us clues about our behavior.


    Liked by 1 person

    1. Beth, it is extraordinary how once we notice a pattern, they appear everywhere – especially in our family.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I once ended a relationship when I realized the other person was trying to “fix” me. I won’t go into details about that, but it’s kind of insulting to be on the receiving end of that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s an aspect about fixing behaviour that my post didn’t cover, so thank you for raising it James – a very good point indeed.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. […] loveN: Never gonna give you up (or Obsessional Love)O: Oh, don’t make it all about my parents!P: Past Patterns: are they working for you?Q: Questions: there’s no need for an interrogationR: RESPECT: ‘cos Aretha’s not […]


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