V: Values – Do they match?

Values come in all shapes and sizes, they can be both altruistic and self-focused – but it is vital we own them and prioritise them in seeking a mate.

What do I mean by Values? Values are the things that are important to you – principles, morals, things which motivate you or guide your decision making – and they’re often expressed as abstract nouns.

You may prioritise different values in different aspects of your life – for example at work, your top values may be professionalism and leadership, while as a member of society your top values may be ecology and equality. In the same way you’ll have personal values, some of which will be specific to your relationships.

Let me give you some examples….

  • If honesty is the top of your value list – how long would a relationship with someone whose first instinct is to tell an untruth to get out of trouble last?
  • If financial security is a top value – could you honestly live with someone who was entirely happy-go-lucky about bill paying and debt?
  • If you prioritise ecological living and treading lightly on the planet – how would that impact on you having a relationship with someone who runs high performance cars and a private jet?
  • If you’re a thrill seeker and party animal – could a relationship with someone who’s an introverted home body work?

There are plenty of more mundane examples but the key thing is that when you live a life that doesn’t align with your values, it makes you unhappy, it affects your stress levels, and it’s likely to have an impact on your feelings of self-worth, self-esteem and self-respect.

So, do you know what your top values are? You know what I’m going to say – make a list! Make it as long as you like to start, you can always cut it down later by eliminating any which overlap, or by prioritising a few. If you’re genuinely stuck for ideas, try Pinterest.

Values matter. Get clear on yours first, then seek someone whose values match yours.

What Values do you think are important in relationships – any kind of relationship, whether that be professional, friendship or romance?

Β© 2022, Debs Carey

8 responses to “V: Values – Do they match?”

  1. This is very true. It felt like in 2016, many people used the phrase “American values” and “family values,” but many of them meant opposite values.
    Some felt an American value was embracing immigrants, as the country was founded by those who took it from Native Americans. Others felt an American value was deporting immigrants. (That group included immigrants, such as the First Lady, an immigrant opposed to immigration.)
    Some felt that an important “family value” was loving, accepting, and standing by those related to a person by blood or law. Others felt that a “family value” meant throwing out those related by blood or law if they were in the LGBTQIA2+ community, or practiced a different religion, or even voted with a different political party.

    I noticed a lot of friendships ended. I also faced an increase in violence (verbal and physical) against myself from people (especially people in red baseball caps) who were adamant that I should return to my own country. (I’m a Lenni-Lenape living on the same lands my ancestors resided on for thousands of years. πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™‚οΈ)

    I can’t imagine if I had been dating at that time. I’m thankful my spouse and I found each other. Our values line up on nearly everything. (I’m more outdoorsy. But it’s okay, we can have a few days apart a year.)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. J, first off I have to say that the sheer ignorance of you being told to return to your own country leaves me speechless. There seems to be an absolute epidemic of ignorance currently.

      The behaviour around immigrants which you speak of is also over here in the UK, especially some in government whose family were themselves immigrants, now legislating to keep other immigrants out – often in the most appalling manner (current plan in the UK is to send them to Rwanda).

      I suspect if one spoke of values to many people now, the only value they’d consider relevant would be value for money. Any thought of guiding principles wouldn’t cross their minds. The changes we’ve seen in society has caused breaches in many types of relationships – with friendships & families stretched to breaking point. I do fear for our world.

      But yes, good that you found each other. Matching values matter way more than matching interests in my book.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. There’s something to be said for the idea that opposites attract. I know a couple who have very different religious and political views. That being said, their values seem to be in alignment on most other things, especially the really pragmatic stuff like money, health, how they want to raise their kids, etc.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s really interesting isn’t James? So much focus is put onto matching interests, but values are a much bigger part of the picture for future harmony.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Ronel Janse van Vuuren Avatar
    Ronel Janse van Vuuren

    I usually first look at how animals react around a person and how a person interacts with animals: it speaks volumes. After that, I’ll turn to my list πŸ™‚

    Ronel visiting for the A-Z Challenge My Languishing TBR: V

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s an excellent recommendation Ronel πŸ™‚ My old cat had an excellent sense, but now I can rely on my grandchildren to provide that same service now and – fortunately – they adore my partner.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ronel Janse van Vuuren Avatar
        Ronel Janse van Vuuren

        Animals and children tell the truth…

        Liked by 1 person

  4. […] SoulS: Shooting Fish in a BarrelT: Not before the Third Date!U: The value of good matching UnderwearV: Values – Do they match?W: Tell me When (or Quando, Quando, Quando)X: The eX FactorY: Was that a Yawn?Z: It’s a Zoo […]


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