A dear friend of mine was known for her preference for toy boys (and hats off to her for challenging the status quo) but she had a rule that they couldn’t be below a certain age because, unless they’d lived a bit, they had no conversation 🙂 For attraction which is solely physical does not a relationship make. If you find them boring outside of the bedroom, they’re not the full package.

I’m not saying that it all needs to be terribly cerebral and high-falutin – you just need to be able to talk to one another without needing to stifle a yawn. As with everything in life, it’s about knowing what you like, and finding it. Whether that’s discussing the footie and the latest work gossip, or Freud and Proust – the only issue is when you’re mis-matched.

Let me give you an unusual example: I know of one long-lasting marriage where the husband and wife are passionate about politics – while holding opposing views. They regularly have loud and public political disagreements, only to go home together happily, as much in love as they ever were. For them, someone who doesn’t care about politics would be an anathema, whereas it’s entirely possible to accommodate differing views.

I’m fortunate because it doesn’t matter to me what you like to talk about, if you’re knowledgeable and passionate (or witty and amusing), I’m interested. The only people I struggle with are those who consistently complain of boredom – and do nothing to relieve it.

But what about you? Could you love someone despite them having a passion for something arcane and dull? Do you need them to be actively involved in your hobbies and interests, or do you prefer it if you both get to do your own thing? Finding your partner’s interests boring is not the death knell, finding them boring almost certainly will be.

If you need to be mentally stimulated, then focus your search on a man with a good brain, but understand that there are a significant number of men who are uncomfortable with clever and successful women. Do I have views on that subject? Absolutely! But I chose not to waste my time – and to regard it as just another filter to be applied in the selection process.

Decide what you like – and what you don’t. Then apply your filters. Do not waste your time with those who don’t match you, let alone those who are not worthy of you, your time and your attention.

How large a part does mental stimulation play in your relationships – be they romantic or platonic?

© 2022, Debs Carey