There’s a good reason coaches and therapists don’t work with family or good friends – and that’s simply because you really are too close to see the wood for the trees.
Despite knowing about narcissism, despite years of study, I couldn’t see it. Until I did. I also wonder if I didn’t see it until I was in a place where I could feel the knowledge being a weight lifted off me, rather than being crushed by it.
Getting back to the point… which is the realisation that my mother is a narcissist* – or more precisely, that I believe she has NPD (Narcissist Personality Disorder). And almost certainly her mother before her too. There may be other players in the maternal line, but the only thing I can report with any confidence, is that the line has been broken.
What broke it wasn’t the recognition of this fact, for that knowledge came decades too late to be of use. No, the line was broken because I got to witness examples of how non-narcissistic parents behaved with and treated their children. At that stage, all I knew was that it was different. I couldn’t say that either was right or wrong, simply that I recognised a way I wanted to emulate.
With hindsight, I remember a conversation with my mother where I was talking about that first example – my friend’s parents – and was doing so in glowing terms. She mocked my enthusiasm and made me feel small, like I was some sort of teenie-bopper, fan-girling about this particular couple and their family.
But I didn’t let go of that belief, and the more time I spent out in the world, the more I recognised it was my preferred way.
Despite there being evidence of something being not right, how did I not realise this negative behaviour trait was present in my mother? Put simply, I knew of her upbringing and of her deep insecurity, so I placed my focus on understanding and empathy, and never looked any further…
I’d briefly considered that my mother might have a personality disorder, but was still more drawn to BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) for the obvious reason that people who suffer with this can and do get better, but the algorithm kept driving me more and more towards NPD. Sometimes I think that Google is to blame for my realisation 😉 but just in case you take that too seriously, let me reassure you I wasn’t reading any old random blog or site, but stuck to peer reviewed and scientific sources.
The big ticks were…
- a preoccupation with beauty
- desire for power
- a significant need for admiration
- interpersonally exploitative
- lacking empathy
And underpinning all of these is lack of self-worth and deep insecurity.
My realisation only happened in the last few weeks. So, there’s more to come on the subject, of that I have no doubt. But, for now, I’m going to leave it there.
© Debs Carey, 2024
*This is just my belief – albeit an informed one – but I know full well that I am not qualified to make a diagnosis. For starters, I’m no Psychiatrist…
DEBS CAREY 