If I look back, there’s…
- My mother, the narcissist, damaged by the lifelong treatment she received at the hands of her parents.
- My grandmother, also (I believe) a narcissist, damaged by multiple life experiences.
- My great grandfather – a charming man who nevertheless deserted his wife and children.
- My grandmother’s brothers who left as quickly as they could, leaving my grandmother living in grinding poverty alone with her mother, yet felt it was their right to castigate and abuse her when she decided to marry a rich and handsome man… because his skin was brown.
I’ve met other members of my mother’s extended family – including the children of her mother’s siblings, those individuals about whose existence she was required to lie – and sadly, the abuse of alcohol is a recurrent theme. I don’t know any well enough to comment on whether narcissism in present in other members, but it wouldn’t surprise me.
So, did the damage stop with my mother? I believe the alcoholism and narcissism have… but that doesn’t mean there weren’t multiple other forms of damage to live with, come to terms with, and hope we’ve not passed on to the generations after us.
Fortunately, we had the balancing influence of my father, who provided us with a positive and healthy example we could follow.
After this realisation, I now know I can….
- stop chasing my mother for something she cannot give me
- put aside the constant doubt that I’m not good enough
- learn a way of not feeding the fire, making our interactions easier
- put aside my guilt for actively limiting those interactions
It can be uncomfortable – even scary – to look at why we don’t do the things we say we want to, and to uncover what causes the fear to be present… but it is so worth it. I am nearing 70 but, finally, I don’t feel afraid to follow any path I choose.
© Debs Carey, 2024
DEBS CAREY 