Let’s take a look at Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs – a widely accepted theory of psychological health based upon fulfilling innate human needs in priority, culminating in self-actualization- which is depicted below in an image from Simply Psychology.
Starting at the bottom, the first level is physical needs, with the next being safety. At the very top we find self-actualisation, and immediately below it esteem. The level which covers belonging is right in the middle.
In simple terms, Maslow states that individuals are unable to achieve status, feel respect and self-esteem, or reach their full potential, without their need for belonging (and love) to be met. So, after having a roof over your head, food on the table and a job, you need to feel you belong, and to experience connection.
Belonging’s a pretty big deal then, according to one of the world of psychology’s big cheeses – and I, for one, am not arguing.
I’ve written about my struggle to know where I belong before. It’s true that my roots are shallow, having been dragged up so many times, but it’s not just the impact of regular relocating, the important bit is the absence of connection.
We were taught that nothing was more important than family, that our loyalty and duty lay to them first. Due to the lack of safety in our early years, living and travelling through civil unrest and war, it was easy to believe my mother was right, and to adopt that behaviour. Family, in this case, meant parents, siblings, and my mother’s parents only; my father’s parents were described as the “bad” grandparents, for they were “selfish” and lived their own life – an untruth that adult me only discovered when I got to know them on my own.
With adulthood came the realisation I’d only learned how to do acquaintanceship and not friendship. Seeing people with lifelong friends and a local community where they’d grown up caused me to experience the twin emotions of envy and a degree of fear. I felt more comfortable in bigger places, away from the scrutiny of people who knew me, which allowed me to learn how to do this relationship building, without being observed, so I could make mistakes in private.
But when friendships were built, my mother rebuked me for putting time and energy into them, particularly in providing support when it was needed, insisting that my time and focus should be given to family, not friends. What I realise now is that while my father had lifelong friends, my mother did not. Her upbringing was such that she never had genuine friends, and never learned to value them.
Using the template of Maslow’s Hierarchy, as someone who struggles with belonging and has a complex relationship with my mother and with love, is it any wonder that I project confidence, but lack in self-esteem?
Belonging matters, having a place where you can put down roots is important, having connections with people who like you for who you are is key – for without these things, you cannot climb up Maslow’s levels to become the best you can be.
There is nothing wrong with family providing that feeling of belonging, that safe base – but it must be allied with building you up and not breaking you down, providing you with self-belief, self-esteem, and self-worth, so you can go out into whatever world is out there and to make it your own.
© Debs Carey, 2024
DEBS CAREY 